It's Free Form Friday, so we present a new Ninjagraphic, the "Official Vow of Vengeance" (.PDF link). For the manager or employee driven to extreme reprisal, this colorful (well, mostly red) notification sends a strong and heartfelt message: "On grounds of honor, justice, and decency, for sound reasons enumerated in attached complaint(s) or too numerous to count, I, [blank], declare myself adversary, obstacle, nuisance, and nemesis to this/these person(s), groups, or department(s): [blanks] I recommend the listed party(ies) straighten up, lest I be forced to unpleasantly exert myself."

Official Vow of Vengeance

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

Though it is a dangerous road to travel -- we speak of alerting readers to cute new ninja-themed merchandise -- it's hard to resist these ninja salt and pepper shakers from Patina Stores ($17). If these dainty ceramics don't suit you, perhaps you prefer Patina's manly Dashboard Ninja figures ($9) featured in the April 2009 WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) magazine.

Get your much-scarred fingers ready for the shuriken throwing championship to be held in September and October in Iga (Mie Prefecture), Japan.

Participants will wear ninja costumes and engage in a test of shuriken-throwing skill and style in the contest, being organized by the Iga-ryu Ninja Museum... The museum is hoping that the championship will raise the status of shuriken-throwing as a martial art and promote it as a sport.
Before throwing a shuriken, participants must make a "figure nine" shape with their fingers, calling on the protection of the Buddha and Shinto deities. The competitors will each get six shuriken and throw five -- leaving one in reserve just as ninja of old -- at a target 30 centimeters in diameter five meters away for women and six for men. Points will be awarded to the competitors not just for accuracy, but also for the beauty of their movements and personal throwing style.

This past week (June 8-12,2009), Ninjalistics, your top-quality provider of corporate assassination and espionage services, offered intriguing and provocative new content:

• Monday: The Ninja News story this week, "Infowar means casualties," may have prompted speculation through its seeming irrelevance to Ninjalistics. After all, what could be our connection to a secret meeting of food packaging executives seeking new ways to foist a possibly toxic chemical on consumers who are becoming far too aware of it? All will become clear soon!
• Wednesday: In our weekly webcomic, The Ninja Agenda, Team 19 grappled with the implications of outsourcing ninja assassination to Bangalore. (This followed on last week's revelation that Ninjalistics might soon outsource their duties.)
• Free Form Friday: Our latest free Ninjagraphic is the Deep Trigger Specification form. Every employer finds it necessary from time to time to subject workers to post-hypnotic conditioning. But you may not be aware of recent Department of Labor regulations that require you to notify the conditioned employee of the visual stimulus you've chosen to activate his or her post-hypnotic conditioning. This colorful (well, mostly red) form lists the most commonly chosen stimuli, including the aurora borealis, Saturn's moon Enceladus, Newtonian fractals, and, of course, Steve Jobs.
  (You can view this form, and all our forms, at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.)

In the recent landrush for Facebook vanity URLs, Ninjalistics naturally seized ninjalistics. Also follow us on MySpace, Twitter, StumbleUpon, and Delicious.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a new Ninjagraphic "Deep Trigger Specification form" (.PDF link). After you've subjected an unwitting employee to subconscious “Manchurian Candidate” conditioning, new labor laws require you to inform the hapless victim of the visual cue, or “trigger,” that activates his or her implanted post-hypnotic response. This colorful (well, mostly red) mini-poster indicates your chosen visual stimulus (cat, hairdresser, wombat, Steve Jobs, etc.) and the likely severity of consequences when the hypnotized employee responds.

Deep Trigger Specification form

If you like this mini-poster, you might also also enjoy our popular Corporate ninja businesswear dress code poster, which has now been viewed over 2,000 times at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at Scribd.com.

Ninjalistics will soon help you destroy undesirable customers

At a late May, 2009 meeting in Washington, DC, the titans of the US$7.5 billion food packaging industry, who bestride the bottle, tray-, and can-strewn North American landscape like a colossus of aluminum and styrofoam, met to discuss a grave danger. Many public studies have showed the popular chemical bisphenol A (BPA) causes cancer, miscarriage, insulin resistance, obesity, and changes in brain structure. These industry magnates, who use BPA in hundreds of containers from soda-pop cans to baby bottles, aggregated their high intelligence to face the obvious problem: how to get consumers, in the face of these dangers, to keep buying BPA anyway?

Susanne Rust and Meg Kissinger, snooping around for the May 29, 2009 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story "BPA industry seeks to polish image," summarized the minutes of the confidential five-hour meeting:

A pregnant woman would be "the holy grail" to serve as a spokeswoman, the memo says. Attendees said they doubted they could find a scientist to serve as a spokesman for BPA. When asked why it would be hard to find a scientist to tout the chemical's benefits, [chairman of the North American Metal Packaging Alliance John] Rost told the Journal Sentinel that any studies paid for by chemical makers are discounted by the media. "The minute industry pays for a meal or an airline ticket, that scientist is tainted as working for industry," Rost said. "They put their reputations at risk."

Other strategies discussed at the meeting included focusing on how BPA bans would disproportionately put minorities at risk, particularly Hispanics and African-Americans who are more inclined to be poor and dependent on canned foods. Committee members said they would try to get stories in the media that spread the message that canned goods made without BPA would be more likely to become contaminated. BPA serves to seal food in cans, helping to keep out bacteria. The group agreed to pay $500,000 to survey the American public about BPA safety.

In our Googly age, routine propaganda solutions like the industry-funded Bisphenol-A.org can no longer keep the message from getting out. Any passing civilian can simply search for "bisphenol a" health problems and bypass approved channels.

Yet in this nightmare time for an embattled multi-billion-dollar industry, Ninjalistics offers hope. Soon we will announce a new public relations program involving enhanced media-influencer procurement, relocation, and persuasion. Corporate customers will learn that Ninjalistics is not just about assassination and espionage. In service to your business needs, we also infiltrate, misinform, distort, extort, compel, and abduct.

Your success deserves no less!

When mists of rain fall gently as cherry blossoms, then does the enlightened warrior truly desire the Samurai Sword Handle Umbrella from ThinkGeek. With nylon scabbard and adjustable shoulder strap, this 41-inch umbrella presents a forbidding impression, at least if your adversary believes samurai swords have plastic handles and pushbuttons. ($30) ThinkGeek has a whole Japan Fan category, featuring items like Origami Sticky Notes, a Japanese Chopsticks Practice Game, and a Wee Ninja plush toy, perfect for concealing a knife, grenade, poison dart, or trained attack hamster.

This past week (June 1-5, 2009), Ninjalistics, your top-quality provider of corporate assassination and espionage services, offered a full slate of new or artfully recycled content:

• Monday: The Ninja News story this week, Arm & Leg Collections helps payday loan companies encourage debtors, announced our new program to help America's needy payday loan industry, which has heroically built a $40 billion enterprise by cleverly charging low-income workers four-digit interest rates on short-term loans. This fine financial institution has suffered fussy legal restrictions not applicable to its chief competitors, Mafia loan sharks. But now Ninjalistics levels the playing field with its convenient and sanitary debtor-limb-amputation program. Check it out!
• Wednesday: In their weekly webcomic, The Ninja Agenda, Team 19 explored the obscure reaches of their resumes in response to an executive inquiry. Why would the bosses care wehther they know kalaripayat?
• Free Form Friday: Our latest free award certificate celebrates an honorable Victory Over Clients. Obviously it is exceedingly rare for a conscientious worker to deal with customers who are annoying, irrational, or -- preposterous! -- clinically insane. But should this unusual event befall, yet leave you unbowed, print out this certificate and give yourself an award!
  (You can view this form, and all our forms, at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.)

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