Ninjalistics company documents

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a new Ninjagraphic, the "Official Vow of Vengeance" (.PDF link). For the manager or employee driven to extreme reprisal, this colorful (well, mostly red) notification sends a strong and heartfelt message: "On grounds of honor, justice, and decency, for sound reasons enumerated in attached complaint(s) or too numerous to count, I, [blank], declare myself adversary, obstacle, nuisance, and nemesis to this/these person(s), groups, or department(s): [blanks] I recommend the listed party(ies) straighten up, lest I be forced to unpleasantly exert myself."

Official Vow of Vengeance

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a new Ninjagraphic "Deep Trigger Specification form" (.PDF link). After you've subjected an unwitting employee to subconscious “Manchurian Candidate” conditioning, new labor laws require you to inform the hapless victim of the visual cue, or “trigger,” that activates his or her implanted post-hypnotic response. This colorful (well, mostly red) mini-poster indicates your chosen visual stimulus (cat, hairdresser, wombat, Steve Jobs, etc.) and the likely severity of consequences when the hypnotized employee responds.

Deep Trigger Specification form

If you like this mini-poster, you might also also enjoy our popular Corporate ninja businesswear dress code poster, which has now been viewed over 2,000 times at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a newly revised version of our Ninjalistics Victory Over Clients certificate (.PDF link). Superimposed over a photo of a Mother Goose Parade, this festive award's text reads, "In recognition of your triumph over annoying, irrational, and sometimes clinically insane clients. Truly, your corporate ninjutsu is superior."

Victory Over Clients certificate

If you enjoy this refashioned certificate, check some of our other handy Ninjalistics certificates you may have missed, such as these .PDFs: Cloud Weak Minds, a much-sought False Appreciation Award, and Digital Sleep Gas.

We add a new (or revised) form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a new Ninjagraphic "Ninja Hygiene Poster" (.PDF link). Though ninjas scorn swine flu, they do think a lot about bloodborne diseases. This colorful (well, mostly red) legal-size mini-poster offers helpful advice about rubber-glove assassinations, latex vs. sharkskin, and the importance of washing electronic devices in warm water. Remember GNAT: Good Ninja Always Tidy!

Ninja Hygiene Poster

If you like this mini-poster, you'll also enjoy our popular Ninja Safety Poster, which has now been viewed over 5,000 times at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present the official Ninjalistics "Employee of the Month award certificate" (.PDF link). The worker who overcomes all obstacles to achieve a goal -- even counting teammates as obstacles -- deserves this public acknowledgment that teammates have noticed and recognized this behavior, and are planning an appropriate reward.

For successfully sucking down the latest management directives, misdirectives, lack of directives, fibs, fiddlings, and flakeouts; for sucking up to all appropriate entities in ways not unusually distasteful; and for not obviously sucking in any respect important to superiors—
For attacking, with specified and appropriate ferocity, all designated goals, as well as anyone or anything in the way of said goals, including those who might have considered themselves teammates—
Let this honor serve to publicize the accomplishments of one who has attracted attention, provoked opinion, and excited strong feelings; and let this publicity inspire others—perhaps those who consider themselves teammates—to consider, develop, and deliver an appropriate reward to — [name]

Employee of the Month award certificate

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present a non-denominationally reassuring "Protection from Ninja Assassins votive candle label" (.PDF link). Though votive or prayer candles have long been associated with various religious faiths (see, for instance, this history of votive candles in Catholicism by Father William Saunders), this Ninjagraphic label offers an entirely secular prayer:

I fervently seek help, guidance, and state-of-the-art alarm systems to secure my person, residence, office, immediate family, friends, pets, and houseplants from ninja assailants. Help me to notice disguised followers, recognize subtle deathtraps, and beware of caltrop-strewn paths. Teach me ninja avoidance techniques -- or, if it proves impossible to escape a ninja, teach me effective ways to grovel. Grant me the strength to resist smoke bombs, sleeping powders, and Thrice-Distilled Paralyzing Platypus Venom. And if I prove worthy, give me friends, co-workers, and next of kin who are willing to pay ransom when my ninja kidnappers get me anyway.

Protection from Ninja Assassins devotion candle label

If you liked this label, you might also enjoy our Junior Apprentice Associate Ninja certificate.

A tip of the ninja cowl to the fine folks at Everyday Icons (Asotin, Washington), who sell votive candles for over 80 pertinent modern circumstances, such as Protection from Telemarketers and the Politically Correct, devotions to Our Lady of Online Auctions and the Dysfunctional Family Vacation, and prayers about Alien Abduction (for or against).

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present the official Ninjalistics "Employee Evaluation form" (.PDF link). By rating workers each quarter on the six factors of the ACCUSE system (Action-orientation, Communication, Company loyalty, Usefulness, Steadfastness, Expertise), Ninjalistics supervisors offload their duties to underlings while keeping their own jobs safe. Now you too can replicate their delicate balancing act!

Employee Evaluation form

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday -- or, well, it's within an acceptable interval after said Friday, as determined by Operations -- so we present a colorful Ninjagraphic mini-poster, "Corporate Ninja's Guide to Infiltration" (.PDF link). Keep this graphical reminder close at hand as you steal silently through the supply corridors, air ducts, sewers, and other permeable passages of your next target's stronghold.

Corporate Ninja's Guide to Infiltration mini-poster

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present another of our colorful Ninjagraphics, the Corporate Ninja's Guide to Manhattan (.PDF link). This colorful Ninjagraphic mini-poster features a satellite map of central New York city with icons and callouts identifying locations helpful to the spy, assassin, saboteur, or seductor/ress sprinkling poison on the Big Apple.

Corporate Ninja's Guide to Manhattan mini-poster

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.

It's Free Form Friday, so we present the official Ninjalistics Attack Victim Feedback Survey (.PDF link). During or after an attack upon your person, property, and/or general well-being, Ninjalistics operatives may present this form to you for assessment of the attack's overall quality. (We referenced it earlier this week in the article about our new service, BeatThemLater.) Please help us improve by completing this form, won't you? We find most victims to be eager in offering feedback both during and after their attacks.

Attack Victim Feedback Survey

We add a new form or certificate each Friday, so check back often -- or subscribe to our handy RSS feed.

You can view this form, and all our forms, online at the free document-sharing site Scribd.com.