These are bright times for the $40 billion payday loan industry, which is now absolutely legal and above-board in 37 American states! Today billion-dollar corporations make the lives of low-income workers interesting, even exciting, by loaning them small sums intended to be paid -- or, far more often, increased and extended -- weekly or biweekly. And though these loans carry 390% to 780% interest, with annual compound interest rates of 2,600% and much higher, the march of progress since the 1990s has made these companies often entirely legal and therefore in no way like organized crime loan sharks.

Yet for too long the payday loan and cash advance industry has suffered an unfair handicap compared to its less-legal counterparts. When an irresponsible and dishonest customer blithely defaults on a loan, perhaps merely because it has tripled or quadrupled in size, a criminal loan shark can efficiently threaten to break an arm or leg. In sad contrast, the hard-beset loan company can only call the debtor, and the debtor's spouse, family members, distant relatives, employer, and co-workers, 20 or 30 times daily. This just wastes everyone's time.

Now, after forward-thinking deregulation by Congress, Ninjalistics is helping payday loan companies level the playing field nationwide with our innovative and soon entirely legal Arm and Leg Collection Services. Customers can now offer as loan collateral their own limbs and bodily organs or, where state law permits, the limbs and organs of minor offspring (requires proof of parenthood or legal guardianship).

Should the signatory customer default, Ninjalistics, operating on behalf of the swindled and dismayed payday loan company, will speedily take possession of the collateral in an entirely legal manner.

• For loans under $100, only fingers or toes are required; between $100 and $500, the extremity up to the elbow or knee; above $500, the entire limb.
• For large loans without sufficient financial collateral, the business may seek higher-value organs such as kidneys, livers, and lungs.
• A future iteration of the Arm and Leg program will address gold teeth, hearts, brain tissue, and pancrei.

Repossessed limbs and organs to serve high purpose

Arm and Leg Collection Services is more than a way to encourage debtors to reconsider default. For entirely legal payday loan companies, ALCS-harvested limbs and organs are a profit center!

Many wealthy people of advanced age seek new vitality; many poor people with spare organs and limbs need money; ALCS provides the vital link connecting supplier and market. Using close contacts in corporate executive management worldwide, the new Foundation for Human Immortality can ensure repossessed body parts, which once did nothing more useful than prop up some defaulting low-income deadbeat, now serve a virtuous purpose: prolonging the lives and health of society's most productive, prosperous, and admired members.

The Foundation regards organs of prepubescent children as particularly valuable. Neophyte glands have proven efficacy in extending the lives of geriatric patients. The Foundation will use child-to-elder transplantation techniques pioneered in the field's most famous test subject, former US Vice President Dick Cheney.

New bill passed in bipartisan spirit

Ninjalistics commences the Arm and Leg program as Congress moves to repeal antiquated busybody laws about "unconscionable provisions." This represents a welcome reform of the 1960s philosophy of a nanny-state government meddling in constituents' lives "for their own good." After all, if borrowers don't have the freedom to decide who gets their own organs, who does?

The payday loan industry, through an effective and entirely legal network of lobbyists, has consistently made Congress aware of the wisdom of laissez-faire capitalism. For instance, Daniel Brooks, in his April 2009 Harper's article "Usury country: Welcome to the birthplace of payday lending," showed the industry's effectiveness when the Tennessee legislature debated whether to permit payday loans:

"They hired a Noah's Ark of lobbyists," Steve Cohen, a state senator, memorably remarked to the Associated Press. "They hired a black lobbyist to get black votes. If we'd have had a transsexual, they would have hired a transsexual lobbyist."

The SELL-AOL Act now heads to the Oval Office for President Obama's signature. Owing to unusually strong security in the White House, Ninjalistics does not expect to play a major part in the Presiden'ts decision. However, industry lobbyists plan to be as effective, and entirely legal, as usual.